The whole room broke into a round of clapping as Dr. Vladimir Stein
unveiled his newest creation, a bull headed gorilla. All except Dr. Ralph
Hopkins, who glared up at Dr. Stein with hatred and envy, sure that he
should be up their receiving their applause. His chicken with 6 legs was
much better than that stupid gorilla, but still, Dr. Stein had won another
Glaring up at Dr. Stein, Dr. Hopkins thought it wasn't fair. He
should have won last week with his invention, the one that forced people to
tell the truth, and would have caused untold havoc when he used it on the
worlds politicians, but instead, Dr. Johan Frank had won with his boob
gun, which made any woman's tits grow to humungous proportions.
Staring with hatred around the room, Dr. Hopkins looked at all two
dozen members of the Mad Scientists Club. The worlds greatest mad
scientists gathered here every week to show off their newest inventions, and
vote to see who had the best for that week. There in the corner was Dr.
Gezunteit, the mad German. Next to him stood Dr. White, who except for
being a black man, held an uncanny resemblance to Einstein. There was Dr.
Bergstrom, who had half his body replaced with cybernetics after his lab
explosion, and Dr. Elizabeth Jeckyll, who was the only female member of
their little group, and quite respected in her own right. Especially after that
little debacle where she sent that giant robot bimbo storming through
downtown San Francisco. And then there were all the others, gathered
around in their own little clusters, each clapping for Dr. Stein.
With a grim determination, Dr. Hopkins said, "Never again. I shall
have my revenge upon these fools" and he broke out in a mild case of mad
laughter, "Bwa ha ha ha ha", making sure to keep it quite, since even he
wouldn't be rude enough to interfere with another mad scientists gloating,
even if it was his greatest opponent. Or at least his greatest opponent for this
As the group left, Dr. Hopkins kept going over ideas, trying to decide
what would clinch his revenge among the group, restoring his status as the
premier mad scientist in the club. He was lost in these thoughts all the way
As he returned home, Dr. Hopkins glared at his condo in disgust.
Why couldn't he have a proper mad scientists hope. This was so
disrespectful, and humiliating, to live in such a horribly clean and nice place.
But unfortunately, real estate being what it is, all the haunted mansions and
old castles were too far out of his budget, and oh so hard to come by.
Stepping inside, he shook his head in disgust. He'd told his lab
assistant several times to make sure that the cobwebs were put out, and that a
few human bones were scattered around the carpet, but instead it was
horribly, disgustingly, neat and clean. "I get no respect" Dr. Hopkins
muttered to himself, heading down to his lab, where he hoped he could at
least start getting to work.
As he walked through the hall, he stopped, catching the image of
himself in the mirror. he ran his hand through his full head of hair, and
scowled, thankful that he at least looked like a proper mad scientist, with his
hair gone prematurely white, (thanks to Acme's mad scientists hair dye), and
he had his nice mustache. He was so proud of his mustache, and had been
since he'd turned 5 and first grew it. It was just like his mom's.
Seeing his lab assistant in the corner, typing on a computer, Dr.
Hopkins cringed, seeing that once again, he wouldn't dress properly. "Bob"
he yelled at his assistant, "Get your ass over here" But stood up, tall and
straight and came over. Dr. Hopkins had told him time and again, to assume
a proper hunched over position, but Bob just wouldn't do it. "I can't even
get a decent lab assistant" he muttered to himself.
He'd had Bob for almost a year, ever since he'd turned his last lab
assistant into a puddle of goo. Bob was such a disappointment, to Dr.
Hopkins thought. Bob always dressed so inappropriately, wearing nice
suits. He was tall and handsome, instead of short, ugly and hunched over as
was proper, and he was a graduate of MIT, and wouldn't give Dr. Hopkins
the brown nosing that he was due. "Can't find decent help nowadays" Dr.
Hopkins muttered to himself again, as he instructed Bob to get the lab ready.
Dr. Hopkins dug through his inventions, trying to decide which of
them he should bring to next weeks club meeting. Holding a bottle of green
liquid up, he smiled, remembering that this would turn into a gas, and give
everyone for several miles severe diarrhea. He chuckled at that, wondering
if he could set up pay booths outside the cities rest rooms. No, he decided,
he'd need something better.
This Anti Matter bomb, he asked himself, then carelessly tossed it
over his shoulder, picking up a little ray gun instead. "Ah" he said to
himself, "My zombie gun" One of his inventions which had turned anyone
he hit with it into mindless zombies. It had been a rather abysmal failure
though, since when he shot all of Congress with it, there was absolutely no
difference in their behavior.
"I guess I'll have to come up with something new" Dr. Hopkins said,
beginning to get an idea, "Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha" he laughed out loud,
ignoring the odd looks that Bob was giving him.
"Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha" Dr. Hopkins laughed out loud, proud of his
laugh. He had been at the head of his gloating laugh class, back in mad
Dr. Hopkins held his newest invention in his hands proudly, staring
at it, the pinnacle of human technology, (even if it looked like a plastic toy
ray gun) "My preincarnator" he yelled proudly, showing it to Bob, who
seemed rather unimpressed, and muttered something about breaking the
laws of physics and really needing this job, under his breath.
"With this" Dr. Hopkins gloated to himself, not noticing that Bob had
quietly snuck out of the lab, "I shall rule the world. Or at least win the
science fair" Rubbing the gun possessively he continued, "I can turn anyone
into who they were in a previous incarnation, giving me the power to change
the world" At this, Dr. Hopkins broke out into another fit of maniacal
laughter, while upstairs, Bob was busy typing up his resume.
As Dr. Hopkins stepped into the meeting hall, he saw that many were
still arriving, boxes, ray guns and other things in their hands. "What a nice
coat Dr. Hopkins" he heard and turned around to see Dr. Edward Haskell.
Dr. Hopkins smiled to himself, thinking that this was just the kind of
attitude that a proper lab assistant would have. After a few minutes of
listening Dr. Haskell go on about how nice his clothes were, Dr. Hopkins
excused himself to go gloat to Dr. Stein about his newest invention, the
He couldn't find Dr. Stein, but got caught up in a conversation with
Dr. Shelly, who said that he was getting bored, and wanted a new career, so
was going to try his hand at plumbing. Dr. Hopkins wished him luck, then
waved over to Dr. Kavorkian who was walking past.
Finally, everyone arrived and sat in their seats, waiting as the dinner
was served. Dr. Hopkins would barely contain his enthusiasm, as he
impatiently waited for the showing of all the inventions. At last, that time
Impatiently, Dr. Hopkins waited for many of the others to
demonstrate their inventions. "This one" Dr. Frank said, holding up another
gun, "Will turn anyone into a lust crazed sex fiend" Half the people
laughed, and he other half clapped. "And to prove that it worked" he
continued, "I tested it on President Clinton a little while back" At this, almost
Next, Dr. Mugobba, the witch doctor from Africa, demonstrated the
latest in head shrinking technology, which received an enthusiastic round of
applause, after he used it on Dr. Haskell to shut him up.
After several more people, Dr. Hopkins got up, glad that it was
finally his turn. Proudly he walked to the front of the room, up the steps and
onto the stage. Clearing his throat, he held up his Preincarnator for everyone
to see, "This" he stated loudly, "Is my Preincarnator" At the looks of
boredom on the audiences faces, Dr. Hopkins pointed it at Dr. Stein, who
looked startled when Dr. Hopkins pulled the trigger.
With a smile, Dr. Hopkins watched as a beam of white light hit Dr.
Stein. When the light had cleared, a teenage blonde girl, dressed like a
hippie, with tie dyed shirt and everything sat there, smoking a joint. "Cool
trip man" She said, looking up obviously stoned.
There were a few looks of appreciation at this, so Dr. Hopkins aimed
it at the waiter, pulling the trigger again, this time at full power. Seconds
later, a Neanderthal was standing there, picking flees off his hide. A little
clapping started, and reveling in the attention, Dr. Hopkins shot again, this
time at another waiter, watching him change into a woman, who was dressed
like a flapper from the 20's.
Finally, Dr. Hopkins went back to his seat, gloating in all the
applause directed at him. As he was sitting down, one final person went on
stage, leaving Dr. Hopkins feeling rather annoyed since he was supposed to
be the last show. He saw that it was Dr. Young, the 13 year old child
prodigy, who had created a giant monster at the age of 5. He was a recent
graduate of mad scientists school, and a new addition to the club.
Dr. Young stood on stage, looking a little nervous, holding a box,
roughly the size of a shoe box. "Ttttthis" he said, stuttering, "is my latest
device" He bent over, placing the box on the floor in front of him, and
pushed a button.
Dr. Young smiled as the box hummed, and Dr. Hopkins held back a
yawn, knowing that this child couldn't out do him. Seconds later, an image
appeared in front of the box, then solidified, turning into a woman. She was
blonde and had extremely large breasts, and was dressed in nothing but a
skimpy bikini that looked as if it were about ready to burst apart. She looked
like a teenagers wet dream.
Dr. Hopkins felt drool coming from his mouth and wiped it, noting
many of the others doing the same thing. "This" Dr. Young said in a slightly
cracking voice, "Is my dream actualizer. It lets you bring your dreams to
life" and with this, he touched the box again, making another woman come
out. Everyone started clapping and cheering loudly, except for Dr. Hopkins.
Dr. Hopkins felt rage burning inside of him. How dare this little snot
upstage him. Jumping up, Dr. Hopkins fired his ray at Dr. Young, before
he'd even realized he was doing it. Dr. Young was suddenly gone, to be
replaced by what looked to be a whore. A woman, dressed up just like one
of the whores in the wild west. "You wanna good time cowboy" she said
grabbing the lab coat of the nearest mad scientist.
At this, chaos broke out, everyone running to get the box, to make
their own dreams reality. Angered at still not getting the attention that he
deserved, Dr. Hopkins kept blasting away, shooting everyone that he saw,
sometimes two or three times. Everyone around him started turning into
other people, and Dr. Hopkins burst out laughing, "Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha" as
he fired another blast at Dr. Jekyll, turning her into a fat balding man.
Since everyone else was occupied, Dr. Hopkins picked up the trophy,
and started to walk out the door, smiling at his success. He chuckled to
himself, thinking how much fun he was going to have walking down the
streets blasting everyone he saw. Suddenly, he saw a movement in the
corner of his eye, and turned firing.
Staring in horror as the light overwhelmed him, Dr. Hopkins realized
that it was only a mirror. Seconds later he was changed into Annie
Gertrude, a 7 year old girl who had died decades before. Little Annie looked
around confused, noticing that she held a toy gun in her hand. Giggling, she
ran out the door, pointing at the nearest person she saw.
She found herself giggling maniacally at this, thinking it was so
funny to see that man turn into an old woman. Running down the street, she
kept shooting everyone she saw.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Dr. Hopkins laughed
maniacally, wondering what next weeks meeting of the MSC was going to