Last month probably wasn't the best time to make a decision this big. It was May, and we were home for the summer. I had just finished my sophomore year in college, while my sister Lynette continued her endless quest for a masters degree. Summer wasn't going so well. Besides breaking up with my girlfriend, I had an unrewarding job as a frycook at Burger Wigwam. When I got home, Mom was coming out the door, and she didn't look happy.
"Lynette's friend is visiting," Mom said, when I asked.
"Glenda the Good Witch?"
Mom laughed at the nickname I'd given our visitor, but added, "Chip, I don't think talk about the occult is ever funny. And Lynette doesn't seem to care!"
"Mom, Lynette's in psychology, not a seminary. Maybe you and she can do tag team. She can diagnose the fruitcakes, and you can save them from hell."
"Oh, ha, ha. Chip, can you imagine what my friends at church would say if..."
"They would say, 'Sally Bellring is saving pagans. Let's send more her way!' "
"Alright, dear. But see if you can run our visitor off. Please."
Mom was "a fundamentalist and proud of it", one of those people who doesn't like a Ouija board out of principle. It was no surprise that she wasn't crazy about having a visitor who talked about witchcraft. As for me, I figured our guest wasn't crazy about anything, so much as just plain crazy. Lynette was in the middle of conversation when I came in.
"Who in their right mind would want to do THAT?" she was saying.
"It's not like a permanent thing," said the friend, "and you would be surprised." Lynette's friend didn't look like the stereotypical witch, but she had feminist written all over her. She wore granny glasses, and one of those French berets to cover her long hair.
"What are you guys talking about?" I asked.
"And who is this?" asked the friend.
"This is my kid brother, Charles, but we all call him Chip. Chip, this is Louise Tackman."
"Nice to meet you, Chip. Your sister and I were talking about youth serum."
That caught my attention. "You mean, uh, something that keeps people from, uh, getting wrinkles?" I was nervous as I asked the question, trying not to seem interested. "I guess that would be good for, uh, old people."
"Not the way she tells it," said Lynette. "She's talking about something that restores childhood. I can't imagine an adult would go for that."
"Really?" I asked, hoping not to seem eager. I had been getting off on thoughts about that since adolescence. Louise made no answer, leaving a silence to break. I continued. "I can see where, you know, someone might want to be a kid again, I mean, you said it wasn't permanent, right?"
"Do you want to hear more?" Louise asked. "How old are you, Chip?"
Lynette answered. "He's only 20. He's still a kid anyway."
"Yeah, but you're really mature at 25," I said. "Louise, my sister thinks she's an old maid because most of her friends have already gotten married. At least once."
"Stop right now," my sister fired back.
Louise returned us to the original subject. "We're looking for test subjects, so I'll just ask you directly. Chip, if you could be guaranteed that you could be restored to your true age, would you volunteer to temporarily return to childhood?"
I looked down at the floor. "I don't mind telling you. Yes, if I could be sure there was a return trip. In that case, I would love to go back to being a kid for awhile."
"Are you kidding?" Lynette nearly shouted. "Well, that figures. Chip's already the baby of the family. Our older brother can tell you that Chip gets away with things that we never could."
Louise smiled. "The baby of the family? Youngest of three, hmmm? Funny you should use that expression. Well, Chip, we tested it first on animals, then on humans. In every case, people were youthened and then aged back to normal."
"Wait a minute," said Lynette. "I thought that you and your friends fancied yourselves to be sorcerors, not research scientists."
Louise laughed. "This isn't the middle ages! If one of our people develops a magic potion, it's tested the same way that a pharmaceutical company might test a new drug."
"Is there some scientific principle involved?" I asked.
"Age regression? No," said Louise. "Some things just couldn't be done with any forseeable technology. I compare it to teleportation. You see it on Star Trek, but do you think you could actually disassemble and reassemble your molecules with a machine? I mean, can you imagine how complex that would be?"
"Sure," said Lynette. "Of course, if you're 'magic', then..."
"You're being sarcastic, but teleporting is no big deal. Hell, even I can do THAT," said Louise. "and I'm not that good."
"You can teleport yourself?" I asked. "I don't want to misunderstand you, but you're saying that you can blink yourself from one place to another, just like that?"
"Yeah, 'just like that'," said Louise. "I'll show you."
Lynette was about to make a clever retort, when Louise vanished. We had been looking at her, and suddenly, there was a shadow, then she wasn't there. A moment later, the shadow, and Louise, returned, right behind me.
"Holy shit!" Lynette exclaimed. She wasn't very imaginative when it came to expressions of astonishment.
"See?" said Louise. "Like I said, I'm not that good. I could have walked over here faster."
"How did... how did you do that?" Lynette asked.
"Magic. I simply willed myself from over there," she pointed, "to over here. And I didn't 'blink', Chip. Don't ask me to do it again. It makes my joints ache. But my point is that I couldn't do that with a machine. Like I say, it's not much of a trick. The really good ones can travel several miles in a few seconds."
"But," I asked, "aren't you worried about people finding out that you can vanish and reappear?"
"Come on, Chip. We're not in Salem. Besides, if you told someone, we're trained in Kravitzing the situation."
"I've never heard of that!" I said.
"Don't you watch TV? If a Gladys Kravitz is upset to see witchcraft, I act that much more ordinary to an Abner Kravitz. Hence the old saying, 'One Kravitz can know, two cannot.' "
"I'm not Gladys," said Lynette. "There's an explanation."
"Believe what you want. Tell yourself it was an illusion. Pretty good one, though, won't you agree?"
"If it's just an illusion, I'm still impressed," I said. "So let's get back to what you were saying. Do you have something that can turn me into a kid for awhile?"
"Yes, although it's years away from being practical, probably decades."
"What's the problem?" asked Lynette.
"It works too well. Even really elderly people don't become younger adults. It's a 95 percent regression, so an octagenerian..." She noticed my dumb stare. "An 80 year old woman would become a four year old girl. Plus, the duration is inversely proportional to the person's age."
"So, the older you are, the shorter the period it lasts?" I asked. Louise smiled, deciding that I wasn't so dumb after all.
"Right. The 80 year old might not mind being a healthy 4 year old, but in about half an hour, it wears off. On the other hand, for someone ten years younger, it lasts 500% longer, so that a 70 year old might be three and a half for about three hours. You can see how the math works, and why this is impractical. That's why an antidote is necessary, because a 30 year old would be extremely young for an entire month."
"And a 20 year old, like me, would be little for up to six months!"
"Yeah, you can see that anyone less than 40 would end up as a baby. You could say that our research is 'still in its infancy'. Sorry," said Louise, "I love saying that."
Lynette stared at me. "Are you wanting to do this?"
"Maybe... I mean, since it isn't permanent..."
"Chip, didn't you listen to her?" Lynette was freaking out again. "You wouldn't be a kid, you'd be a one year old baby! Don't tell me you want to do that!"
"I'll tell you the truth," I said. "I fantasize about it during sex, and especially when I'm, uh.."
"When you play with yourself?" Lynette snickered.
"For some of us, it's a real rush. Don't tell me you never work out like that."
"Not... like that. I think it's funny, that's all..."
"I'm sure that if Louise could conjure up an image of Brad Pitt, you would be interested."
"I don't...I mean... OK, so he's hot," said Lynette. "Louise, tell my little brother how he can become a widdle bitty baby."
"Chip, you obviously wouldn't mind being, shall we say, a 'micro-chip'..." Louise began.
I hate talking with people who like puns, and she was annoying in that department.
"...so you're a strong candidate for a human test. Unfortunately, you would have to have a qualified adult who would be willing to take care of you while you're reduced. I understand that you're mother thinks of me as some sort of devil worshipper, so she won't go along."
"Not in a million years," said Lynette.
"Sorry, Chip." said Louise.
Lynette turned angry. "Hold on. That's it? I wasn't expecting you to eend this charade so quickly. Tell you what, put me down as the other 'volunteer' and let's hear what you have to say now."
"Are you sure?" Louise parried. "I mean, this isn't a case of keeping an eye on a kid. You would be taking care of a small baby."
"Well, if Chip has some type of perverted dressup game in mind, he's dead," she answered.
"No," said Louise, "your brother would literally become smaller-- less than 30 pounds, less than three feet tall. Probably little enough for ordinary Huggies from the supermarket. Chip, you would be able to think and talk the same, but in a baby's body."
"I could get in to that," I said.
"Or off on it, apparently," Lynette snorted.
"It looks as if you're back in the running, then," said Louise. If this was a bluff, she was playing it to the end. "And you don't mind that you're going to be taken care of by your sister, Chip?"
"No," I said, "I don't have a problem with that."
"Let me put it another way, and give both of you a last chance to change your minds. Lynette, your kid brother would become your infant son. Chip, she would be your foster mother. You do understand, don't you?"
"She's always been bossy," I said.
"And I always have to keep him out of trouble," said Lynette.
"You've cleared another hurdle. I still get the feeling that you don't really believe this, so it's time for a demonstration. I always keep some samples handy," she said, removing the beret.
"You keep samples in your hat?" Lynette asked.
"Hat? Oh, yeah, the beret," she said, pulling two vials from the lining. "Oh, man. You're going to think this next trick is REALLY corny! Here's the lab animal. She reached into the beret and pulled out a large white rabbit. "Ta-dah!!!"
How in the world she wore that beret and carried in it a five pound animal, I didn't try to guess. It was disgusting, like carrying a puppy on your head.
"OK," Louise continued. "That's a fun one to do at parties, but this is what you really want to see. Lynette, you're the skeptic, so hold the bunny while I give it the serum. Chip, please pass Mr. Bun over to your sister. In your case, the process will take about five minutes."
Lynette held the squirming rabbit, then gasped as the animal in her hands became smaller and smaller. "There's no way!!!" she said. She handed the bunny back to me, and it was definitely lighter.
"Should we give the bunny the antidote? Whaddaya think, Lynette?"
"He's awfully cute. Still, you have to satisfy both of us that this can be reversed, so go ahead and grow it back up."
Foreshadowing! It's so artificial, so overrated, I think. But, I digress. Louise injected the tiny rabbit again, and it steadily grew until it was large again.
"That's amazing!" she said.
"Better than teleporting, huh? Well, now you two know that this is really possible. Lynette, Chip, I will be back. Give this some thought, now that you see it's real. If you decide to back out of this, just call me. Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow."
As Louise drove away, my sister was having second thoughts.
"Chip, I'm not sure that you'll want to go through with this."
"Maybe it's you who doesn't want to do it."
"Me? I'm not the one who would be a snot-nosed infant. She's right, though. We need to think about it."
"It's no big deal. We can change me back if we don't like it." I hardly slept at all that night.
-------
The next evening, Mom went out and Lynette told me that Louise was on her way. "I hope you like strained carrots," she added.
"Ha, ha. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."
"NOW you tell me. Chip, you're the one who strung her along on this."
"Me? You're just as guilty. If you hadn't told her you'd be willing to do baby care, that would have been the end of it."
"I'm not as nervous as you must be," said Lynette.
She was right. When Louise arrived, I felt as uneasy as if I was in a dentist's office. Besides, I had confessed a private fantasy to two people, neither of whom I was sure I could trust. Louise brought out two vials, one with a green liquid, the other brown. "The green one is the youth serum, the brown is the antidote," she said.
"OK, Louise," I said. "I appreciate your effort. I really do. But I don't think I should be drinking some strange liquid. Sorry."
"We almost always get this reaction. People start to chicken out when I bring the instrument of their rejuvenation. There's still that thought that this is nonsense, but the anxiety over what if it really works. I promise you that if you don't like this, I will give you the antidote myself."
There was silence for about a minute, though it seemed longer.
"Fine. What the hell. Let's do it." I said, reaching for the green vial.
"Let me turn on the video camera," said Louise. "We have to document this as it happens for future study."
"What, for America's Funniest Videos?" Lynette asked.
Louise broke the seal on the vial, and handed it back. I sniffed the green liquid, then tipped my head back and drank it.
"Good boy," said Louise. "Now, watch this."
I walked to the mirror, and was disappointed not to see any change. "You won't notice much in the first minute," Louise noted, looking at her watch. "We're at 60 seconds now, so you'll be about sixteen. Lynette was straining her eyes, looking for anything different. I noticed now that my pants seemed looser on me.
"We're nearing two minutes. About now, you'll go back through puberty," she said. I watched as my face literally changed shape in a matter of seconds. "Holy shit!" I yelled, echoing Lynette, only now it was with a child's voice.
"He's 12 and getting younger," Louise said, matter of factly.
The reality was now setting in. "Please! Please make it stop!!" I begged.
"It's okay, Chip," Louise reassured me. "I'll give you the antidote in just a little bit. You'll be all right."
Lynette seemed frightened too. "Chip, you'd better sit with me before you trip over your clothes," she said, leading me to a chair.
"This can't really be happening! Lynette, get Mom!"
"She isn't home. We'll deal with that in a little bit," my sister said, holding me.
"Three minutes, and he's about 8 or 9," said Louise.
"And I'm on my way to becoming a baby?" I asked.
"That's what you wanted, isn't it?" Lynette asked.
"Louise, I want that antidote!" I screamed.
"Again, the typical first reaction," Louise said, apparently for the benefit of the camera. To Lynette, she said, "You'll notice that he's got the baby teeth back. The final minute is the most spectacular, kind of like the last part of a fireworks display, because so much happens at once. He's about five years old now as we reach the final minute."
I was so frantic by this time that Lynette had to hug me tight to restrain me. My T-shirt enveloped me like a cotton robe, and held back much of the kicking and struggling that I was making. "This is the most incredible thing I've ever witnessed," my sister was saying. "Don't worry, Chip. You're okay. I've got you."
Finally, I heard Louise say, "It's completed!" By this time, I was crying and screaming while Lynette tried to comfort me. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Louise," I heard her say. "He's got that fringe of light brown hair, exactly the way he was when he was a baby."
At some point in my crying fit, Lousie had handed my sister a pacifier and I was calming down as I chewed on it.
"I have the antidote here," said Louise. "It's our policy to wait fifteen minutes after the crying stops before we give the dose. I have a feeling that Chip might change his mind."
My crying gave way to sobs and then sniffles. Finally, I had calmed down. "Can he talk?" my sister asked.
I pulled out the pacifier. "Yes, I can talk. I can't bewieve... bee--eev..."
"Oh!" Lynette said, moving me. "What if he wets himself right now?"
"I brought a couple of disposable diapers. I don't know whether you prefer those or cloth ones, some people are concerned about the ecology..."
"Just give me one! Hurry!" said Lynette. Louise handed her a diaper, and my sister unfolded it. "Lay down, Chip," she commanded. "You aren't sitting on my lap without one of these on." I laid down on my back and she slid the diaper underneath, then fastened the tapes securely. "Hey, there's a picture of Barney the dinosaur on the top," she said.
I had always wondered what this would feel like.
"Looks like he's happy now," said Louise. "No more crying."
"No, no more twy... tuh-wy... no more boo-hooing," I said. The shape of my mouth had changed, and it was hard to phrase things. I wiped my eyes.
"It's okay," said Lynette, smiling. "We still understand you. See if you can get down and walk." She lowered me to the carpet. Lynette seemed different now, proud of me and worried for me at the same time. I hadn't expected that.
I walked a few steps in the thick diaper, then fell, sitting down hard. "I'm all wight," I said, picking myself up. I set off to explore my home from a brand new perspective, where everything looked bigger, and tables could be seen from below. Finally, Louise called to say that fifteen minutes had passed. She brought over the brown liquid.
"This is where you decide. Do you want to change back now, or wait?" she asked.
"I wanna stay a baby!" I said, happily.
"Well, then. Lynette and I have been talking, and she's OK with that too." I ran over and hugged my sister, and she returned the hug, then lifted me up to her hip. "Don't expect this to last," she said. "I'll probably be tired of this tomorrow."
"What if I'm not tired of it?" I asked.
"Doesn't matter. I'll just feed you the antidote in your bottle."
"Speaking of that," said Louise, "We'll need some money. We're loaning you the furniture you need, but you'll have to pay for stuff like food and diapers."
"Chip will have to pay for that," said my sister, taking my wallet out of the jeans I had worn a few minutes ago. "Plenty of cash, I see."
"Hey! My money!" I shouted.
"I'm not going to change your diapers and pay for them too," said Lynette. "In fact, I think you should be paying me for taking care of you," she said. "Anyway, I think it's your bedtime. Here, Louise, here's $40. Buy him some cheap diapers."
"Equipment and supplies are on the way," said Louise. "Have fun, you guys."
My wildest dream had come true. Where would it go next?