When Louise Brackman offered me the youth serum, I jumped at the opportunity. "Occult researchers had concocted an elixir that would reduce a person's age by 95 percent, and she was helping od the human testing on willing volunteers. Granted, most 20 year old probably wouldn't want to have the clock turned back to their first birthday. Even I hesitated until Louise demonstrated to me and my sister that the process was reversible. The only catch was that two people had to agree for one to be rejuvenated: the person who would become a child, and the one who would take care of the child. My sister Lynette volunteered for the second job, so I transformed myself. If only I'd thought it over more. I'm ready to return to normal, but the person taking care of me isn't. An agreement got me into this, and lack of an agreement has kept me here.
We're both adults, but our mother owns the house and her disability check keeps it running. Mom is very religious, and she was furious that Lynette and I had gotten involved with the occult. She was going to make us pay for our wickedness (she actually used that word), so she set down a number of rules. The common idea was that if I was going to be a baby, I would be treated as a baby. I was permitted to do nothing, while my sister had to do everything. Mom was manipulating us, of course, pitting one against the other to even out her own anger. Lynette, forced into really taking care of me, didn't enjoy the constant work, and her resentment was obvious.
I found it embarrassing to not be allowed to do anything for myself. Take mealtime, for instance. I can cook, having done burgers and fries at work. Now, I was prohibited from feeding myself, unless I was handed a bottle. Lynette had to put me into the high chair and feed me "age appropriate" food, one spoonful at a time. Mom stopped short of making her do the airplane/ hangar routine.
Where Mom really exacted her revenge, however, was in how I was dressed. "I don't want you to be mistaken for a big boy," she said, "and this WAS your choice." I had expected diapers, of course, and at this age, I even found myself needing them. Mom went further, though, throwing out any pants, shorts, or anything that might look like an older child's clothing. "No two piece outfits for you," she said. "I'll permit you to wear rompers, or a sleeper, but when people see you, I want them to know you're only a baby."
What Lynette and I really resented was Mom's insistence that I couldn't use the bathroom, no matter how much notice I had. Lynette was condemned to change diapers, no matter how revolting their condition. "This is what both of you thought would be so wonderful," Mom told us. Lynette did take a stand, however, when Mom suggested she was going to take me to church with her. "If I have to take care of him," said Lynette, "It's my call. I'm Chip's mother now, not you. He stays with me." She wasn't standing up for me, so much as for herself. With each day, she seemed more determined to prove that she could handle a baby.
-----
A new understanding developed. Lynette could go out, but only if she took me with her. She had sneaked out at night a few times, but I hadn't been further than the back porch in the last two weeks. "You're in luck, baby brother," she said one day. "I borrowed a car seat and we'll go out shopping."
"I don't know," I said. "Look at how I'm dressed. I'm scared someone will know who I am."
"Who's going to recognize you? Even if we ran into someone we know, their first guess would be that you're a nephew or a cousin. They wouldn't believe me even if I told them the truth."
"I just don't wanna..."
"Too bad! I want to go out, and we're going out."
She carried me out on her hip, strapped me in the car seat, and we drove off.
"Where are we going?" I asked in distress.
"K Mart. You're making a big deal out of nothing."
Sure enough, we pulled into K Mart and she put me in a cart and headed for the baby clothes section. I had hoped that we wouldn't see anyone we knew. No luck that day. "Say, isn't that your ex-girlfriend? Courtney?"
"Huh?" I replied, hoping I had misheard. I'd broken up with Courtney not long before I had taken the youth serum. Had we not parted ways, I probably wouldn't be sitting in a shopping cart right now.
"She's with someone else already," said my sister.
"She is?" I said, whirling aroung. There was Courtney, with Fred Knottman.
"Take the pacifier, Chip," Lynette motioned. "Hi Courtney!"
"Don't call her. What are you doing?"
Courtney and Fred walked over. "A baby!" said my ex, true to her annoying habit of saying the obvious. Fred glanced at me and decided he wanted to be somewhere else during the girl talk. "I'll be over in automotive," he said, trying to say something that sounded manly, and he left. "Cute baby," said Courtney. "Boy or girl?" Oh man! What a thing to hear from your ex!
"He's a boy," said Lynette. "Recognize him?"
Courtney studied me, then, without asking, lifted me from the cart and cradled me in her left arm. I had laid in her arms before, but never like this. "He looks familiar," she said.
"Imagine if Chip went to a fountain of youth and drank too much and ended up back in diapers," said my sister. I couldn't believe she would betray me like that!
"Oh my God, this kid does look like Chip!" said Courtney, looking at my eyes. I turned bright red and looked away. This was infuriating, and it was embarrassing to be a baby in the arms of an old girlfriend.
"Kind of like a 'micro-Chip', you might say," Lynette added.
"Hey," Courtney said, sending me back to Lynette, then moving her hands to her hips. "How old is that kid?"
"He'll be a year old this month."
I could see Courtney doing the type of math where you count back nine months. "Born in June last year... so September the year before that... Why that son of a bitch! He was calling me from college, telling me how much he missed me, and getting it on the side the whole time!"
"I'm sorry to break the news... about the twins," my sister added.
"Twins?! Who's the mother?" For someone who had ditched me last month, Courtney was getting pretty worked up.
"Nobody you know. It was his freshman year..."
"Hmph. Well, tell your brother that he wasn't the only one! I can't believe it. If I had known... Geez, that kid even laughs like Chip!" she said with disgust. I guess I had laughed out loud. "Hmph!" she repeated. "Where..."
"Automotive. Over there," said my sister. "So nice to see you."
"Yeah." Courtney stalked off.
"See?" my sister told me. "Nobody would believe it. I've always hated Courtney. I'm glad you're no longer dating her."
"I think you fixed that," I said. Then I held up my little hand and added, "High five." Lynette returned the gesture.
"Why did you mention twins?" I asked.
"Just having a little fun."
"Maybe on the next trip out, you can let me wear some more clothes than this?"
"Deal. However, you'll still have to behave like a baby."
That wouldn't be too difficult. After all, I didn't want people to know who I was. Little did I realize what Lynette meant by having fun.
---------
When our mother was at home, which was most of the time, I went through the same daily routine, eating and getting dressed, while Lynette did feeding and changing. My sister was still trying to reach Louise, leaving messages, but never getting a reply. The only call for me was from my manager, Scott, wanting to know why I had quit Burger Wigwam without giving notice. What could I tell him? I was too short to reach anything in the kitchen now. We finally got a chance to go out again, and Lynette made plans to take me with her. What I wouldn't have given for an hour alone in the house! Between my mother and sister, though, that wasn't going to happen.
Lynette changed me, then switched off the lights. "What did you do that for?" I asked, trying to see in the near dark. "I got an outfit for you, just like you asked," she said. "Lift your arms." She pulled what seemed like a large T-shirt over me, one long enough to cover the diaper, yet with a small neck. Then, she stuck something to a tuft of hair on my head. "What's that?" I asked, but she didn't answer. Instead, Lynette carried me out the door and to a mirror.
As she carried me, I noticed my feet-- and the shiny black shoes. The second observation was that the socks had lace on them. "Hey, what the hell IS this?" I demanded. Then I realized why the T-shirt was as long as it was. It was pink. It had folds. And it was not a T-shirt. Now I knew what was clipped to my head, and when I got my hand up there, it was confirmed. "A hairbow?! Damn it Lynette!" She had put a dress over me, and my reflection indicated that people would assume my sister was carrying a little girl. "I got the idea when your ex asked if you were a boy or a girl," said Lynette. "You didn't want anybody to recognize you, right? They won't have a clue!"
"I am NOT going out like this," I said, crossing my arms.
"You have no choice. I can't leave my niece at home all alone," she said, laughing.
"YOU are a psycho," I said.
"Psychology major, actually. I was curious about how you would react. There have been studies where boy babies were dressed in girl clothes, and vice versa, and somehow, the babies can spot the difference better than adults."
"You're making that up. This is just your nasty idea of a practical joke."
"Strange that this bothers you. Do you think you're 'manly' when you wear diapers with pictures of Barney on them?"
"If people think I'm a baby, I want them to think I'm a baby boy at least."
"Interesting. It matters ot you if people think you're a baby girl instead of a baby boy. But what does it matter? I mean, babies look pretty much alike. Put one in a yellow sleeper, and you can't be sure."
"You don't have a pink sleeper, do you?"
"It's just as warm as a blue one. You know, a century ago, babies were almost always in dresses. Did you know that Ernest Hemingway's mom dressed him like a little girl until he was school age? And he was a man's man."
"Yeah? And he ended up shooting himself."
"Not for that. It's not like I'm sneaking you downtown to 'Race and Benton's Tavern'."
"The gay bar? You would take me in there?"
"If some guy picked you up there, he would literally pick you up. Stupid. I wouldn't carry a baby into a bar, gay or straight. Look at you. You're insecure about your masculinity AND your sexuality. And you're only a baby. Imagine when you grow up."
"Just get your damn experiment over with," I said.
Maybe I was getting too angry about this, I thought, as we drove away. I just hoped Lynette wasn't going to try this crap again. She seemed to be enjoying my misery. "Lots of guys have been in drag," she needled. "Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, the brothers in White Chicks. That would be a good name for you, Chip. I could call you Chick."
"Shut up."
She took me into Burger Wigwam, planning to pick up my last check. While I sat on the counter, she decided on an order. "I'll have the Pow-Wow combo," she said. "And he... I mean, she.. will have a Li'l Brave Meal."
Stacy Smomm was at the register. "Does she want Chicken Arrowheads or a Li'l Tomahawk Burger?"
"The chicken strips, I guess. Geez, I can't believe that people still get away with this in the 21st century. It's so racist. Chicken Arrowheads. And the 'Heap Big Shake' and the "Teepee Turnover'. Why is it still okay to stereotype the American Indian?"
"I just work here," said Stacy. "I can get the manager."
"Actually, do get him, because I'm Chip Bellring's sister. I'm here to pick up his check."
"Hey," asked Tim, who was working drive-through, "why did Chip quit?" Nobody recognized me, that was for sure.
"He became a little..." Lynette looked at me, then at them, "...frustrated with the job."
My manager, Scott, glanced at me as I sat there, clearly not pleased with seeing a diaper touching the counter, yet not wanting to drive away a customer. Scott went into his tough-guy management routine. Everybody thought he was a prick because of that routine.
"I ought not give this to Bellring," he said, waving my paycheck. "I oughta make him pick it up in person. I've had to fill in almost every night this week at the grill, on account of your brother. You tell him he ain't never gonna work another restaurant in this town."
"I'll tell him," said Lynette.
"You tell him that that's very childish," my manager added.
"Infantile, even," replied Lynette. Scott was clearly puzzled, so my sister added, "Like an infant, you know."
"Yeah, that too," said Scott. What a dumbass.
"Can we GO now?" I whispered.
"After we eat," said Lynette. As I sat in the restaurant's high chair, I couldn't help but think how many germs were on it. I didn't feel like eating off the tray. "Don't look now," said Lynette. "Courtney's here."
Again? Courtney had apparently spotted my car, and came over to the table. "I don't suppose Chip is around!" she said, icily.
"Do you see him?" asked my sister. "He loaned me his car so I could take his daughter out."
"A daughter? I thought..."
"Oh, you saw the other one yesterday. There's a boy and a girl."
"Are they twins?"
I snickered. "Yes," said Lynette. "But not identical twins."
"Typical of Chip. He's so irresponsible. I heard he got fired from here. How is he going to take care of two babies, and him not working?"
"Oh didn't I tell you? He landed a job as a flagman on a road crew. They pay him twenty-five dollars an hour."
Courtney accepted everything she heard without question, and Lynette enjoyed seeing how far she could go. "That is so unfair," said Courtney.
"He's 300 miles away. Poor little Denise here misses her daddy sooo much."
"Denise? He named his daughter Denise?" Courtney was apparently clicking through every Denise she had ever known.
"It was my suggestion," said Lynette.
"What about the other one?"
"Other one? Oh yeah, the boy. Yeah, we call him Denephew."
Courtney just muttered, "That's kind of weird."
"Yeah, some people just don't get it. Well, Denise, wave bye-bye to...uh..."
"Courtney. My name is Courtney."
"Of course." Lynette took me back out and buckled me into the car seat.
"Having fun?" I asked.
"Let's see. I've pissed off your former girlfriend and your boss. Maybe we can drive to the university."
"Ha, ha. Maybe you can get me out of this dopey outfit, and let's find Louise."
"Definitely. Mom already thinks we're bound for hell, and I don't want her to see you in a dress." Lynette removed everything that looked "girly", which left me only in a diaper.
When we got home, we found Louise and our mother in the kitchen, chatting.
"This isn't right," Lynette told me. "Mom would never invite a 'sorceror' into her home."
"There they are," said Mom, and reached over to me. Mom seemed to have gone from being "Mama Bin Laden" to a regular June Cleaver. "Louise and I were just talking," she added.
"What would the two of YOU talk about?" my sister asked.
"About her grandson, mostly," said Louise. "Mrs. Bellring, it's been wonderful. Lynette, I needed to talk about you and your, uh, son." We accompanied Louise to the living room.
"Louise, what have you done to our mother?" Lynette asked.
"Hypnotic suggestion. She's forgotten that I dabble in the occult, and she thinks that Chip is your baby."
"Why would she think that?" I asked.
"Keep your voice low, Chip," said Louise. "Just drink your bottle and listen. I understand your Mom got rid of the antidote that I left here, that bottle of brown liquid. Don't worry. It was a decoy, and I'll provide the real antidote soon, I promise."
"Answer Chip's question," said Lynette. "Why is my Mom under a hypnotic suggestion? Why would you work occult on HER?"
"I had to. I drove over here, and your Mom recognized me and started threatening me. So I sprayed her with this atomizer," Louise said, bringing out a perfume bottle with a bulb to squeeze. "It leaves people open to suggestion until it wears off."
"Really?" asked Lynette. "Let me see that." My sister aimed it straight up and pumped a mist that drifted down lightly on to both of us.
"What did you do THAT for?" I protested.
"Chip," said Lynette, "listen to me. You are a well-behaved, happy baby, and I am your Mommy, and you love Mommy."
I tried to say something, but I couldn't. All I could manage was the word "Mommy..." as I reached out to her, hoping that she would pick me up.
"Louise, I'm open to suggestion," Lynette said.
"Okay. Lynette, this is 'Charlie', your baby son, and you are his mother, and you love him more than anything."
"Mommy's" eyes seemed to glaze over and then she set me in her lap. It felt as if I was in the middle of a very intense dream, from which I could not awake....
TO BE CONCLUDED.....